No Amount Of Friends Will Help

No matter the number of friends, if it is one or even a hundred.. it doesn’t matter if no one knows what is going on... no one is the same as me, they don't notice the things I do, people I meet need me to tell them what is wrong with me... even if I hint the problem, they just brush past it like it is a normal thing.

By people brushing the hints off it makes me wonder two things, one I do this way too often and people have just learnt to ignore my signs, the outcries that something is wrong. The second one is they just don't look into people as deeply as I do, which leads to them missing all the signs. But at the end of the story, I walk this path alone, because I have not yet met a friend who is willing to just take a good look at how I really am inside.

Friendships should be made and kept, by keeping a friendship, I don't mean maintaining it just so you are aware of the other person's existence, I want friendships to grow and keep growing, not within a confined space, I want to explore and experience the world with the ones I care about, the sad fact of that is, no one wants to do that with me... or I just think that because they are too busy looking into their own life or looking in the wrong direction, I don't really understand the meaning of a friendship anymore, they can be made as fast as they can fade...

There are periods where I had friends all across the world, but that made me feel ever so alone whenever my daytime arrived, so then I started to look for friends in my time zone, from what I have experienced, they don't want to have a friendship as intense as what I want it to be, some may make excuses, but that is just an excuse nothing more, if you want something you will go look for it, you will make sacrifices to make it happen, I have tried... and tried... but nothing...

Will I ever find people with my same point of view, along with the willingness to make the sacrifices just to grow a friendship... a bond... that nothing will get in the way, a friendship with a spine?

My memories of the past, experiences, they make me long for what I have lost, what I no longer have, every time everything is gone, the feeling of loneliness gets more intense. It is a feeling where you are not wanted anywhere, people may not think that, but that is how I interpret their actions. Without speech, that is all I can decipher.

These feelings could almost amount to being in the presence of someone who does not want to be in the same place, the feeling that they would rather be somewhere else, that is the worst feeling of all, being ungrateful in another's presence is the least amount of respect you can show for someone else

Dont Forget... I Really Am Just Another Human Being...

I might be back :)

I have no idea what do feel anymore, people i once knew have changed, i can see that some are trying to help, but the ones that use to mean most to me have endlessly dissapointed me these past weeks.. is it because they are finally sick of me and no longer give a shit?

Is one of them using their train of thought and trying to use those tools to let my "stack" figure it out? i wonder how they would feel if/when i am gone, would they just blame me for being myself, and it being my fault?

The only one that has truly stuck around was music.

Everyday there is a time in the day where i cannot breathe worring about how you are, what you are doing, when you will be back.. All of these questions just circle in my head, the feeling of uncertainty is slowly drilling into me and starting to effect my daily life, people that i use to be able to stand no longer, friends that come to aid are trying but do not seem to get through.

Times like these it leads me back to think how many times this has happened before...

i have no clue what you are thinking, you ask questions that start, then you abruptly stop with no resolution, it just ends, what is going on with that, did i do something? are you going through something? or do you just no longer want to be friends, if that is so just tell me... if you are going through things just say you are, and if you want to elaborate please do, i am willing to listen, maybe it would push things back and make me forget what has happened, and if anything will happen...

why why why...

Friends that i see helping, are helping but only after they hear the news, its like if everything you know about that person is ok, dont speak to them at all, when something is wrong jump at it.

I guess its you get what you give, and its happening now... people are returning what i have given, even though i may not like what i am seeing now, i have to accept it.

Only thing i can do is drown myslef with work and just push out all of the people, not let any of this show, no matter how bad. because people i use to care about seem to be happy with the answer that nothing is going on with my life..

This message will burn bridges, it was made to do that, but if a few words stating how i feel will break these bridges so be it... better to know that these bridges cannot be relied on before i actually need help, saves me from having to invest too much trust in them only to be dissapointed.

It is a patterm, but hey.. that is me...

Thank you for listening/reading :)

So just to clarify, people are leaving my life again :)

Sometimes you notice the things people do for you, without the need to tell anyone and just expect them to notice what people do for them.