SING!

I wish just sometimes, i wish that every one around me didn't know that i existed so i could just burst out into song like they do in the music videos, the only time i can freely sing is the people who live with me because if i don't sing i believe that i would be a very different person, i always wonder how come people have a voice they can control so well, is it the recording equipment they have cause when i secretly record my own voice i hate it hehe...

Oh how i wish i cud sing xD.......

Bird incident....

Normally things slowly falling to the ground would be leaves that have fallen off trees but a few days ago as i was walking home all of a sudden i saw feathers falling out of the sky it was so amazing it was so out there just so different though if it wasent so sunny with the sun beaming its heat at me cooking me alive i would have stopped and sat down watching these feathers fall...

The amount of feathers that gentaly floated down from the sky was ALOT that is all i can say... i wonder if it was just a flock of birds flying through the air after eating panadol/raw rice and they just POOF exploded in the sky..

It was a very new experience, that is all i can say.

After effect 2

Day 2 and i for some particular reason have felt sad all day today even thought this event has happened a few days ago the effects have only started to kick in, that is what i belive if i have only met this person for 5 seconds maybe even less what will i do if i knew this person alot longer.... these feelings i have not felt for a long time, the fear of dark, the fear of strange noises when i cannot see what is around the corner afraid of what will jump out at me.

While we were having dinner like our usual arguments once the word death was mentioned i felt sickened in the stomach and wondered about why he would say that....

Is this the effect of that one person performing one action at a certain spot that has effected me or am i just worried like i am most of the time.....

The first sleep....

The first sleep after the eventful day of seeing someone jump off a cliff so effortlessly like she had done it over and over again, this memory has been captured by the sounds that i heard at that moment, the silence of the wind and the waves crashing along the walls of the clifff as i hear the little clap of a noise as the body hits the unforgiving water lined with the jagged rocks carved by the wind and the tides over many years to serve as the killing blow... my whole night was sleepless from the taunts of the ocean sound.

This brings me to realise people can be very stupid because of something so little, so insignificant to what the rest of their life could have been like, again i urge all people to think twice befor they do somthing that could change the course of life because if you go forward and find that path is wrong it will be a very hard road to get back on.

My bad luck consists of bad housemates that rent a room, friends/family going to  hospital then on the day of the suicide the sky told us something bad was going to happen becuase birds stole our food rain poured as we ate then when we got to watsons bay a foolish girl took her own life, after we got home the fish tank was cracked and water was all over the place, i just hope that my badluck ends here.............

The way i am feeling

One of the topics that i have wanted to write about for a long time but never actually got to it... the music i choose is the mood i am in but i belive only 2 people that i know, know why i choose the type of music i listen to...



To truly find out how i feel you must learn to understand me, and to do that is to find out what music i am listening to every song that i listen to retains a memory that i will never forget it is also acompanied bt a feeling. But the story behind the song is not always the same as what the words are in the song it could be the melody of the song or it can have no relation.

Disgust

My disgust for all the people who run away from other people when they are angry, when they dont run away and leave you alone when you are angry....................... When most people get angry they are most likely rite next to the line of doing what they say they would do so leaving someone alone is a very very bad idea if you dont want something bad to happen....

Realisation

Through the events that have happened today seeing someone take their own life, has given me alot more thought in what could cause someone to do such a thing me witnessing it myself someone jumping off a cliff, what if she regreted what she did after she jumped off.... when she jumped off it seemed like she had done this all the time. althought i may have been a few meters away it seemed like i was right next to her knowing i could have stopped such a thing happening but i was so shocked i did nothing. My reaction to this whole jumping thing was so blank is this a sign of shock, but if it was shock i would have gotten over it. I for some reason felt no pity at all for that person only what her family would do when they found out such a thing has happened to their daughter.... I dont see how someone could make this choice just because of one person... its not worth it...

Anger........

How do people go from being angry to being normal because at the moment i dont think i can sleep knowing that there are such stingey people in the world, where they take as much as they can from paying the least amount expecting a pot of gold...

LIFE DOSENT FKIN WORK THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing i do now is helping me at the moment i just seem soo angry nothing that i am alloud to do is fixing my problem. Because the LAW dosent allow the culling of tight asses in this world.

I would love to forgive and forget........

Suicide...

People who are suicidal are very selfish people I believe because they never think about the time and money it takes after a suicide...


First there is the initial shock of someone wanting to kill themselves, and then it is the sadness and the wonders of why they could come up with such a solution when there could have been so many outcomes other than resulting in death. People sometimes want to die for such little things that can be fixed just by a few more steps in life. So the real reason people may suicide is stress, I believe if stress is just too much and enough to make you think of death, it is not worth the trade.

I use to think if I died first then I would not need to feel more loss , if you could not tell I really fear loss…. So I too have thought about it but not as far as doing it because when people say that they will kill themselves, there is a 90% chance that it will not happen because everyone fears dying, no matter how hard they try they will not do it.

The way I relive myself from stress is listen to other people vent their anger and frustrations in their lives, it only makes me feel better because I know that I am not the only one experiencing pain and frustrations.

If only wasnt one of my problems.....

I believe that it is not only my because everyone i see, talk, walk by has some sort of problem relating to money.... money people seem so happy when they get it but they get sad when they have too much but they also get sad when they don't have enough. just like many other things in life the joy never last forever.. money can solve many problems also cause many problems. If i was a rich person i would help the people around me in need maybe because so many people around me are just struggling and just scraping by. Oprah what a person i always wondered why people like her would give away money is it so they get famous, or is it that they really care about people and giving them money cause they care, i don't think that is the reason that they are giving out money, and where the hell are they getting all of this money..............................

I'm just jealous of how they can be so rich and own so much that they have enough to give away that much nearly everyday.....

The amount of money you have also defines what type of person you are most of the time.... rich people are normally tight asses but they can get to a point where they are so rich the family would not need to make money for a few generations and they would still be able to live rich and comfortable lives...... so that is when they become generous.... at the other end of the scale most of them are tight asses but they HAVE to save up so they can live their lives... but in the middle side there are people like me where we don't really mind where the money is spent but we still want it very much but will share among other people. Of cos there are the tight asses in the middle where they would rather spend other peoples money other than their own, just because it makes them feel better.

End of story if i could print money i will spend it wisely =]

People who just ignore

Maybe im just thinking too much... its either i scare everyone away if so then FINE just block me and never talk to me again because there is no point if you are there and just ignoring people.... This comes to a topic of what peoples prefences are i belive if you dont like something tell them and stop letting the people on the otherside guess what has happened....

WHAT about the people you are talking to then they just leave because you said somethng that they cannont answer atleast you could just say what is wrong then just go dont just leave that is the same as ignoring i may be sounding a bit redudndant with these comments but dont be so up urself thinking that everything revolvs around you cause it DOSENT.........

People who say that they have to go and dont go are the same. I do it too and i hate myself for it too but i atleast go appear offline so i dont leave people hanging............

The internet is such a depressing place after the emotionally retarted have joined it.....

Lies......

The invention of lying is a wonderful example of what this world was like... im sure the writer of this movie wished that people in this world would not lie as much as they take a breath....

oh how i hate people who cant lie, why do it when you know that you are noy good enough to trick the other person, you would never pull out a lie unless you know that the you made could be possible evan thought that you may not have completed it yet and make sure that you have proof by they next time you get asked for that thing again. lies are normally accompanied with many excuses.

Talking about excuses why is it that people want you to explain why something and when you start explaining, they say can you stop making excuses......umm then how can i explain what happened...........

Just wanting you to acknowledge that i exsist......

A long time ago, when i was in primary school about year three i once tried to borrow a rubber off another person to let them know that i was there. But in the end this person got really angry and stopped talking to me, in the end we parted our seperate ways in life...

There are many ways to get people to notice you but the many ways i have tried either dont get me noticed for the things that i want people to contact me for.... it is so sadd that not many people go out of their way to contact a person unless they need something. These people really piss me off because when there is nothing else they need i am invisible to them until they need something i can provide.. then they make me feel noticed for the things that i can do i dont know if this is them trying to show that i am importatnt but that is not the way to show that someone in ur life is importatnt... this world is so unfair because i have seen this happen many times in my life why cant people be nice all the time. another one of the many things i hate about the human race........ people are invisable when not needed casted off into the shadows of the persons life but when needed they look in the shadows and target them for what they need but after they have been finished with they are no longer provided the shine of thats persons life........................

If only it was snow......

One night i was runnning it started raining but it was falling ever sso slowly it looked like snow if only it was true then it woulf have been a perfect night sky with the moon peering over the clouds and snow drifting slowly to the ground i stand on....... ONLY if

Last night i went running there was a car crash due to someone i think normally drifts on the road i run on but for some reason the car hit a pole and another car so then i just hide and watch as people emerged from their shelters, as the driver tried to reverse and run away from the accident it was like i was watching a movie it all happened in slow motion as i hid and watched people screaming at each other......

Stop IT!!!!!!!!

You once asked me what the one thing that pissed me off was well you have started again so i am telling you!!!!!!!!!!!! why the hell would u insult someone you dont know i dont mind if its only directed at me but if you aim it at my family i WILL get angry even though i may not show it, THE ANGER EXSISTS!!!!!!!!

so would you please stop insulting my family............ or i dunno what i mite end up doing...........

Only time will tell...........

Sometimes only time will tell, but if you dont let time pass the outcome will not be the same as what it would be if you confronted the problem, so nowerdays i just let them come and go haveing no care for the world unless wanted i seem alot happier that way caring too much could just get me into more trouble instead of me even being invovled in a massicare of conspirisys, things just seem to work out without my help most of the times....

Today i went back to tafe i saw one of my friends he didnt seem very happe there must be something that happened to him, because he does not seem to be the person he was befor the holidays...

Two faced people

Oh how i hate you people why must you act all nice and happy when you are really not and when i try to be nice you just turn around a use ur big mouth to fend off any friendliness that i am supplying. Why must they make themselves such anal retentive assholes, one question and they will hate you for life atleast thats what it seems like....        I just dont understand why this must happen does it make you sleep better at night??? what satisfaction do you get out of making everyone around you either scared of you or just straight out hate you..................

There is another type of two faced people they are nice to everyone but people that are close to them but i understand why they are like this, they are like this is because they belive the people close to them will know why they are sad, angry or even happy, BUT they do not trust other people so they are always nice and keep everything to themself.

I belive i could be too but only to the people who really piss me off................. But i belive no1 really pisses me off except for one person at the moment but i cannot be bad to that person because my future is depending on them....

hehe

Woooo time to loose some blob and gain some shape ^^, haha week two and running seems alot easier than when i started.I also realise that gaining weight is alot easier than loosing it T.T

IMO!!!

If someone likes you and you like some one you should not worry about who the other person  interacts with  because if you love someone you should have full trust in them....

No love should restrict other from doing something else (hence the reason i support open relationships), if someone that you love makes you sad you should ask them why they are doing this, if the reason is acceptable then tell them a way the problem can be solved, if the problem cant be solved tell them to live with it because you are who you are.

Is this relly true?

Freedom?

People say that we can choose the paths we walk, what if we have chosen the wrong, and it was only one road that has restricted to only stay on a one way track with no end, or even another path can we just use a rewind button and go back to choose what we want it never really happens like that life really sucks with all the rules and constraints that civilisation and law that we all have to carry above out head if not we will be crushed by the edge of the massive tomb stone we are all holding above us the only reason the law hasn't crushed us is because we all hold it up why cant we just give up in the support of this burden and why can we be on top of this why must it be above us sure it may protect us but it makes us so miserable...

26/06/2010 - 27/06/2010

The day from dusk till dawn the scenery the sky had put up was beautiful no matter what. As the moon rose to the top of the sky the sun sank behind the skyscrapers of the city, as it sunk the sky was illuminated by the orange glow as it was retreating the sky above me where the moon sat, when the last glimpse of the suns glow was gone the moon shone bright, it lit up the clouds making the night even more beautiful. An hour before the sun rose the sky was to beautiful where the sky was lit with the stars, the radiant moon and the clouds that were trimmed by the shine from the moon, the water was calm and showed the reflection clearly making that night the perfect night. The chill from the wind soothed my skin as it brushed pass, also making the trees perform a symphony of sounds.

Goodbye?

She had some trouble with herself, he was always there to help her, and she always belonged to someone else. I've had you so many times but somehow...... I want more......

I don't mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pouring rain and look for the girl with the broken smile and ask her if she wants to stay awhile and she will be loved she just will be.

Tap on my window knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful, I know I tend to get so insecure but it doesn't matter anymore my heart is full and my door's always open you can come anytime you want cause I don't mind spending everyday listening to you and making you smile....

I know where you hide alone in your room and know all of the things that make you who you are I know that goodbye means nothing at all because she comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye......

Phat

Dear fat cells,

Why do you like storing so much why cant you just listen to me, you dont need to store any more energy i have ennough i dont need you any more >< please go away........

Phat man

Dissapointed....

I trust u with something but when ur not happy with me you just toss me around and destroy the trust that we have made over time why should you be angry at me............. you have gone too far dont expect me to ever help you again...

But i have thought it out if you are to treat me that way fine but i just will not respect you like i will with other people you are one step away from me hating your guts. I swear if you do something else that destroys what i gave you, you will cease to exsist in my life...

To someone who longs for a post about them..

Hello i am finally writing this post for you, because there is something i want to say but to try my best not to upset you, so here we go....

You are starting to turn out like the person you long for in certain ways, that is annoying me a bit but lately u have not done those things, you have also tried to help me find out why but when you did it you did not seem like you wanted to do it, maybe because u really didnt want me to know how that person really feels or u just didnt want to make that person angry. I dunno why  i think that maybe its just me underating myself for the piority i get from you but oh well.

I think that you sometimes put me second best because when other people are around, haha what a silly thing to think please dont take this too personally but if u want the truth of what i think that is what my opinion on the recent events that have happened.

I didnt mean to hurt anyone with what i did that day i just did it for fun, i thought you thought it was just fun i cant see why he is so seriouse about this what else did i do to make that person so unhappy with me..... anyway i just wanted to know what u tthought about that day did you think it was awkward/uncomfortable or did you think it was fine with what i did that day i want to know your opinion.

Overall you are a very good person that dosent like confrontation, i dunno i like how i can help you when u need someone there when no one is around that u can talk to. I dont mind being 2nd best but i just wanna know why i cant be like the others.

Your good friend Nightseeker =]

Who am i.....

You make me smile when you appear.

You can show all your emotions through a day.

I like it when i see you cry.

I live to seek you.

Your dark side is wonderful.

For those who know me they will know what this is really about....

Always 2nd best...

I am the one that is always there for you but i am always the last that gets acknowleged, there is always someone that is more important than me why? do i really deserve to be treated like this...

Why i dont love....

The reason i dont love is because i feel that i would say no if i asked myself out i  feel like i am the worst possible choice on the face of this earth....

I just cannot think of a reason that people will love me enough to be commited in a relationship...  Even worse all my friends have put me as backup so it seems because if there is someone else they wont need me so i am just a person that will fill up someones time when they have no other option. I can only dream but i do not think anything will happen unless i have something to give back, when i go out with another girl i feel like hiding myself so i do not ruin their reputation or the way people look at them becase it just seem like i am a negative, just one big negative of a person...

JS - Nobody - Wondergirls (cover)

BAHAHA I USE TO HATE THIS SONG :p not eny mor

How much i hate my father atm!!!!!!!!

OMFG he is such a dick head he dosent even know whats going on and tells us to shut up after he has arrived home for 5 mins, he always thinks he is correct worse than a 3 year old baby. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im always wrong

So i have been told by teachers, friends, family, speed cameras and myself. Why am i always wrong i dunno i just am i cant help it if you dont like it then deal with it instead of just insulting my brain that lives upstairs. So in the result of that i am always saying sorry, i didnt mean that, oops, please dont hurt me and so on and so on. But in the end what effects me the most is the words that come out of your mouth....

brb?

I sometimes think to myself do people normally use the word brb just to stop talking to a certain person just because they are annoying you or maybe they just upset more. I use brb sometimes as i want to be left alone go away but then after a while i think if i did this to other people what will they think?

This picture explains all:

Are you sad?

How are you spose to tell someone that you are sad, that feeling that you have to tell them why you are sad but they seem to just make you feel more down to the series of events that happen as you try to make a topic that doesn't relate to the reason you are sad it always seem to end up in the topic, WHY WHY WHY the world is not fair why cant the world show me a person that i can speak to without them objecting to anything that i have done.

Why cant i just be cared about more am i  really that "opaque" that no one can see how depressed and sad i am when i really am sad.

If only someone could read me like a book, without me telling them what i really feel.

Depression something that strikes many people although i think i have it i most probably don't its just me feeling sorry for myself in one of the 5 stages of human emotions.

When someone does i will see them as a light i can walk towards but that would probably make me someone that is dependant on others, the main point of why i am sad i DO NOT WANT TO RELY ON OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!

People hate, one cruelty of the human race that is the main reason why i love being alone that is what rarely happens if i am alone then i will be fine but human influence has made what i have wanted to say muted.

One Word

One word is all it needs to change something just like today i got an email that has made me feel so empty today it just shattered my happiness making me fear what the future is the bring..

One word can make someone love you for the rest of your life(atleast a part of it) One word could tear it apart.

The feeling of having one word shatter all hope that was shining bright one minute then gone the second after as it always seem evil takes over easily. Being the good person will always be harder than doing something bad......

Better left unsaid

It seems better that way to know that things will last longer if unsaid atleast until the thing un said the occasional"your annoyin me" or "i dont want to hear about it" morphs the way other people see them when in anger every one us set out to annoy evan if they diddnt really mean what they said. The point is anger equals putting cloth over you eyes then holding a knife in a big crowd you will never know who you have hurt or how you have hurt them unless u remove the piece of cloth but when someone is hurt there is no turning back.

Friendship…

Something that takes time to form a good one takes luck depending on both parties kind of like a relationship they can be broken just by words no matter how good a friendship may be even if no broken it will certainly be damaged. The fastest way to repair one is to lie to make the other side happy, saying the word sorry fixes a relationship but that scar will always be ther and if the wound opens up again befor it has had time to heal it will make the scar deeper.
But why? Why would people hurt one another because it is nature to have fun something has to be sacrificed befor fun can be really fun. What is fun in this context it is to gain happiness on other peoples misery that is the purest of fun friends can have but inturn someone must deal with the pain that has been brouht from this feeding frenzy of laughter.

Hate...

No matter how good a relationship one another may have hate always kicks in and you find them annoying becuase the more i interact with someone they automatically become annoying and show all the flaws that bug me. I wonder if it happens to all people haha it seems weird but sumtimes im happy then all of a sudden i feel down for the rest of the day and dont get happy till i go to sleep and wake up the next day......

Annoying??

OMFG my fkin brother is sooo annoying and lucky I haven't hurt the fkin shit out of him cus of all the fkin shit comin out of his mouth... DON'T TELL ME TO FKIN RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!

Startover

When someone says they wanna start over it never really starts over it just continues with both sides trying not to mention something that they don't want to mention anymore but they always end up mentioning something they have put a limit on... Yep i finished it for you =]

I finished it more :O
Nyxr

Jelousy part 2

Seeing someone happy puts saddness in my heart. But when you see people sad saddness also takes place but never seems to be as bad as when you see them happy is there something wrong if a person ever feels like that.

I think that if someone helps someone else they should be happy that they have helped the other person to gain a fufillingness but i have never seemed to understand how someone could be happy for a loss maybe im just too greedy....

Anger...

I myself is a person that is easily angered but rarely to the point of when i want someone to feel loss, today ther was some retard that parked in our driveway and when i reversed out they wer sitting in the car like they had not noticed that i had tried to reverse out of my drive way but was obstructed so then i beeped at them but still nothing i got angry so i went to the the driver and asked them to move with the rare "please" added in they still didnt move at that point i wanted to put a large key marking on the persons car but they then moved when they saw me returning i really wanted to destroy that car...

Re to a friends advice..

Reason i have not gone out and asked is because i do not belive it will sucseed because first of all i am not happy with myself and would like to be happy with my on physical self befor i start to build the courage to confront the one i am captivated by... =]

Dear friend

i would like to say , to my friend who might read this, that i never said that i never thought anyone hid things from the world =]. In order to be truthfull to one another first of all there must be trust as you said urself =]. The reason i am doing things like i am is because i do not belive people really understand me or want to...

I do trust you but i do know that it is bugging you that you think you do not know me well. Giving people false thoughts is not really an intention it maybe sometimes but it is all to do with one thing and that is because people dont really like the truth the truth hurts people most of the time... yes u maybe gullable but that is one of the features that make you who you are =]. But what have i done to make you think that i have mislead you?i just dont answer if you ask something that i dont answer, if you havent noticed i change the subject pretty quickly =].

I feel that you feel insulted at how i may play my mind games =]. You may be shy but not in all areas you are only shy if you feel you are going to make a fool of urself but if you are certain in something you will go ahead and do what you have intended.

It was always ment to be harmless fun and i have never told you that i was lying if i really was..

Nyxr ^^

Love

How are you ment to tell someone that you love them without them changing their reaction when you meet them my only soloution is hypnotisim at the moment i dunno y people get so defensive or weireded out when they get asked or told that their is a person that loves them.

Is it because they dont wanna be seen with u in public not good enough???

If not good enough y not just tell them what they can do to fix it or how they can hide ther flaws, because in the end when you end up in the relation ship each other will find the flaws that they will not like in the end they will fight about it then end up accepting the fact that they are just that type of person unless they cant bear the fact that the flaw exsist in them they will eventually sepertate...

My real question is how would i know that they would love back???

Acting

The act that i put on clouds everyone around so they never see how i really am only a few people have seen through my cloud and seen my true feelings and how i really react to many things but sadly they are people who have not known enough to see what i want....

Happiness ^^

Happiness comes after and befor saddness because happiness is light if it dosent exsist then darkness will have taken over but with less worrisome the light glows more freely so that the light can be seen alot more easily.

I'm here only for you…

When ever I'm on msn I always seethed people online but they never seem to talk to me so am I just another contact with no significant meaning unless I am of use for their help? And y the fk would some one pretend your invisabe after youhave helped then e.g you talk to them they will never reply… oh well I guess that if they will be like this I'll just be the same to them… I beloved that no one deserves to be treated like that.
on a happier note seeing someone run around in a towel makes me wonder if they are hinting something.=]

Jealousy?

You help someone your happy to see them happy about what you have helped them achieved but deep inside i get that feeling that they will not need my help anymore so then i will end up ignoring that person whenever they try to talk about what i have helped them in. would that be "jealousy"???

Is it only me or does this happen to other people too??? the fear of not being needed.....

What is better?

What way of knowin someone is better? Is it through the net? By looks? Or just face to face talking? Personally I rekon that if I was to know someone I would try to findout about them through the net or find out where most of their personal life is documented every has one somewhere it us just where and how it can be interpreted....

The Dark Dark Sky

Ahh daylightsaving has kicked in again and we shall see the night sky at 4pm once again. ^^

Monopoly

Monopoly WHAT a game lol minimum 6hrs to play this game is a game that makes time jump when ur playing with fun people but if u play with rule tight or faggots the time will seemlessly SLOWWW down.

So love the game but not love the game really depends who is playing :) though kinda similar with strip poker =]

Dear Jodie

JODIE

YOUR AWSOME : )

HAHAHAHAH

and i will drive you anywhere u want for free

bcos your my coolest sister in the world :P *NOT!!!!*

Saddness

As the days of my life go on i see pain saddness happiness laughter but the emothion i feel most is saddness maybe because i just ever happy with myself oh well i guess thats me sad an emo so yea this is my first blog post and thats how im feeling i hope it gets better.

There are people i really like but i just cant tell them becuase if i said so the awkwadness will make our friendship be lost...