I might be back :)

I have no idea what do feel anymore, people i once knew have changed, i can see that some are trying to help, but the ones that use to mean most to me have endlessly dissapointed me these past weeks.. is it because they are finally sick of me and no longer give a shit?

Is one of them using their train of thought and trying to use those tools to let my "stack" figure it out? i wonder how they would feel if/when i am gone, would they just blame me for being myself, and it being my fault?

The only one that has truly stuck around was music.

Everyday there is a time in the day where i cannot breathe worring about how you are, what you are doing, when you will be back.. All of these questions just circle in my head, the feeling of uncertainty is slowly drilling into me and starting to effect my daily life, people that i use to be able to stand no longer, friends that come to aid are trying but do not seem to get through.

Times like these it leads me back to think how many times this has happened before...

i have no clue what you are thinking, you ask questions that start, then you abruptly stop with no resolution, it just ends, what is going on with that, did i do something? are you going through something? or do you just no longer want to be friends, if that is so just tell me... if you are going through things just say you are, and if you want to elaborate please do, i am willing to listen, maybe it would push things back and make me forget what has happened, and if anything will happen...

why why why...

Friends that i see helping, are helping but only after they hear the news, its like if everything you know about that person is ok, dont speak to them at all, when something is wrong jump at it.

I guess its you get what you give, and its happening now... people are returning what i have given, even though i may not like what i am seeing now, i have to accept it.

Only thing i can do is drown myslef with work and just push out all of the people, not let any of this show, no matter how bad. because people i use to care about seem to be happy with the answer that nothing is going on with my life..

This message will burn bridges, it was made to do that, but if a few words stating how i feel will break these bridges so be it... better to know that these bridges cannot be relied on before i actually need help, saves me from having to invest too much trust in them only to be dissapointed.

It is a patterm, but hey.. that is me...

Thank you for listening/reading :)

So just to clarify, people are leaving my life again :)

Sometimes you notice the things people do for you, without the need to tell anyone and just expect them to notice what people do for them.